there's a new sheriff in town

Recently, while traveling, we encountered a new breed of the TSA posse decked out in flashy, bright blue uniforms. The uniforms have been re-designed to more closely resemble those of traditional law enforcement officers and rumor is that some traditional officers view the possibility of being confused with TSA officials as an insult. Apparently most Americans viewed the old TSA uniforms and those wearing them as frumpy twits who were bent on abusing such powers as forcing you to disrobe in public, making you discard that tube of toothpaste you bought yesterday to cover for the one you forgot two days ago, and confiscating the souvenir Swiss Army knife that was given to you for working 70-hours a week at your 9-to-5.

The new uniforms, a cross between a soothing robin's egg blue and the seriousness of the Royal Navy, now lend an air of authenticity to all your airline travels. And this new breed of TSA doesn't miss anything. An elderly woman in front of me was caught trying to sneak several jars of pickles through the Houston security checkpoint. First she told them that she was carrying souvenir martini glasses in her purse and these might be broken if stored in her carry-on luggage. The TSA agent nodded politely and then proceeded to unwrap the objects, revealing several jars of home-grown pickles, lovingly canned by her daughter-in-law and given to granny during a visit to see her first-born grandchild. The lady was informed that these would be considered 'a liquid'. Granny was not arrested for lying, but was forced to leave them with the agent; Once she departed the area, the agent disposed of them the trash.

One other major change is that badges will no longer be sewn on the uniforms. Instead agents will wear pin-on badges, but only if they have completed a 2-day course that, we kid you not, helps them deal with customers more effectively and in a calming manner. We assume this includes convincing Granny that pickles can be part of a terrorist plot.

cloaked in patriotism

Barack Obama was in Independence, Missouri today saying you don't have to wear a flag-lapel pin to be a patriot and then he wears one anyway! When's a politician in this country going to have the guts to tell people they're friggin' stupid with the 'git her done' mentality?

If we're going to require candidates to wear a lapel pin, then shouldn't we also require them to have a Precious Moments "America You're Beautiful" figurine on the dash? on their desk? in their shower?

are your neighbors a terror? then turn them in!

I received the following recently from my community policeman.

My favorite line, "In today’s world, many of us observe situations linked to the activities or support of terrorism that go unreported to law enforcement officials." Uhh, really. Please name one that's gone upreported? Other than the war itself?
--------------------------------------------------

To my Community Partners; yesterday I attended a meeting with Captain Mike _____ and Officer Shawn _____, Homeland Security Unit regarding the training of community members on understanding, identifying and documenting possible terrorist activity. In today’s world, many of us observe situations linked to the activities or support of terrorism that go unreported to law enforcement officials. Central Patrol would like to present two open training sessions for the community and looking for partners to host such training. A day class and early evening class would allow all the opportunity to attend. If your organization has the space and willing to host such an event, please contact me to discuss possible dates. The training will be provided as a free service from the KCPD Homeland Security Division and will be open to all in the public. Once the dates are set, I will send an invitation for all to attend.

-------------------------
My friend Pete has volunteered to hold the meeting in the anthrax lab he created in the basement of the children's bookstore. All I can say is that he needs to find some different cows (suggest bloated carasses floating in Mississippi flood waters) from which to harvest his strain since none of his children have managed yet to die, or even get sick, although they do complain a lot when they don't get ice cream at least once a week from Murray's. One can't fault them for that - it is summer after all.

Image: Roy M. Cohn and Senator Joseph McCarthy conferring during the Army-McCarthy hearings / World Telegram & Sun photo by Herman Hiller. Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division. New York World-Telegram and the Sun Newspaper Photograph Collection.

code yellow for smokey bear, vigilant grandfather

Smokey Bear Style Guide
The official rules and regulations for Smokey Bear imagery and usage.

We note that with help from the Ad Council Smokey Bear has gotten a makeover. Now he's the benevolent, ever vigilant grandfather (he just turned 60) warning about wildfires, instead of forest fires. We're assuming that by working in the word wildfires, instead of forest fires, SB is trying to lead the public in the direction of prescribed burns and management techniques designed to reduce combustibles and increase logging in natural forests.

president pardons convicted felons

While millions of Americans packed their stuffing into clear quart bags and prepared to be humiliated by the Dept. of Homeland lackeys, El Presidento was quietly pardoning two convicted felons. Bush issued the pardons yesterday at the White House and ordered the airspace between Reagan National and Miami-Dade Airports cleared so that the felons, whom Bush referred to as Liberty and Freedom, could spend time with their family members, Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Daffy, and Porky near Orlando.

more @:
m.o.i.: cheney pardons white house turkey
elsewhere:
view presidential pardons

BackRub

Whoa! The Hollywood writers strike hasn't even begun to take it's massive toll on the fragile psyche of Americans who struggle with the news - Benazir Bhutto or President Musharaff, "What's the proper choice?" Thankfully, today there's Church followed by the Game of the Century to keep our feeble minds occupied lest we begin to read magazines, or worst yet, novels, for entertainment. But tomorrow. What then?

With writers sidelined, tv executives are scrambling to replace the void on your plasma screens with something that can keep you entertained for at least as long as 'name this photo' (see below, BackRub).

Here's just some of what you can expect in the coming weeks:

H.S. The series
H.S. The Series is a one hour drama about an Executive Action Group or EAG within the Department of Homeland Security. Behind the politics, the press and the debate over how homeland security should be handled are the men and women who risk their lives every day to keep us safe. At the spearhead is the EAG who use whatever necessary to defend their homeland. The full extent of government and military resources at their fingertips, this team led by Agent Jack Callahan and Andrea Bacall, must identify, track and eliminate any potential danger.
Homeland, the series is said to be a huge favorite at the White House.

Camp Flickr. In this ground-breaking episode, Katy Clark, returns to Camp Xray only to find it overgrown with ghosts of the past and many former camp mates now exiled overseas. TV execs are said to be especially fond of this series because it tests an entirely new programming approach that eliminates writers altogether from television programming - something they've been trying to accomplish for decades. One critic said, "Camp Flickr has all the charm of home movies without the overcooked roast beef, dry potatoes, and mushy peas."
Camp Flickr

BackRub. Reality series about how the real new money relaxes at work (NOT AFTER). Set in the Googleplex, this zany, inside look at the 24/7/365 world of googleites (as they call themselves) treats viewers to the process of how new google products go from the game room to the board room to your cell phone. Some have called it Paradise Hotel meets Laguana Beach with amples doses of chai, organic mesclun (dressing on the side!), and free-ranging dogs. There's plenty of beach volleyball, heartbreak, and irreverence to keep the show moving forward. One favorite is when we get a sneak peek of the closet where a bank of computers continuously scrolls thousands of 'inappropriately' flagged images that google programmers have learned to pull off web sites and post for their own lubricious pleasures all while coaxing back rubs from one another during breaks. The door closes and we hear moans, sighs, and laughter, but we don't know if it's the programmers or the programmed.
BackRub.
Stay tuned.

drilling for air

"Public service is honorable and noble..." Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, letter of resignation, August, 27th, 2007.

To this we agree.

Hearing pundits recite some of Mr. Gonalez's life history during the evening drive time, and then cracking open the online version of the NYTimes, I was reminded again of how just disparate America can be. A reading last week of The Great Deluge - a history of one week that surrounded Hurricane Katrina - now 2 years past may have also keyed me to the vastness of the American experience. The Great Deluge is full of personal stories about how people respond to a massive crisis in their lives. Some people rise up, swim to safety, and bring others to the shore. Others fall down, drown, and take others under in the process. I suspect that it's never that simple, the swim or drown part and that most folks do a little of both, but there are some who seem to be able to intuitively help others through the really tough times. The names of people (and there were many) who rose up and became heroes are not those being bandied about as the next U.S. Attorney General. H.S. Secretary Michael Chertioff may have passed the bar, but he failed the Hurricane Test.

On Sunday there was an article in the NY Times about the social life that surrounds pools in Las Vegas and how much buy-in is required to be A-playa. Doesn't matter if the the dollar is falling, or your home value is plumetting, or if your dog trainer is going to jail, ante-up for the private poolside cabanana (as much as $15,000 per day) and the eye candy and bottle service are complimentary. Feels good, don't it?

Well aparently not enough for some Silicon valley millionaires (net worth 3.5 million) who feel middle class when compared to their other Silicon valley muli-millionaires. The horror, the horror of the middle class.

Tell that to the more than half a million people who live in 1,5000 colonias scattered along the U.S.-Mexico border (more than 90 percent are in Texas). These properties were sold to migrant farm families under the auspices of the "American Dream". However, unscrupulous developers viewed the American Dream differently than you or I. Since the lands were outside city boundaries, they were never properly platted and developers never saw to it to provide the basic human services that should be part of any home ownership. Running water, no. Electricity, no. Adequate plumbing and proper sanitation, no. Roads. Schools. No. No. Proper legal title to the land. No.

But's it not all negative. Rampant infectious diseases, yes. Lack of access to adequate health care, yes. Flooding, yes. Over-crowded living conditions, yes. Povery. High unemployment. Lack of educational opportunities. Yes. Yes. And yes.

Most residents of colonias are legal U.S. Citizens.

More@:

The Forgotten America, a 2000 documentary by Hector Galán.
http://catalog.galaninc.com/site/cart/?PHPSESSID=affb2ab091a61379d8d50355b25ed3a9

If you want to see how people who live in a colonias view themselves check out photos taken by 8th and 9th graders who live in them.
http://www.pbs.org/klru/forgottenamericans/inside.htm

A Home in Colinas, NY Times multimedia.

Photo: Apologies to Damon Winter, NY Times.

it boggles the mind

a) Probability that any given person in the US will contract XDR-TB, or Extensive Drug Resistant tuberculosis, 0.024 percent. [number of estimated cases of XDR-TB in US divided by US population]. XDR-TB is also referred to as Extreme Drug Resistance TB; Extremely Virulent, Anti-biotic Resistant Strain of Tuberculosis; or the 98 Percent Mortality TB. Sources, World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and American Lung Association.

b) Probability that any given US researcher has access to extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant strains of tuberculosis or XDR-TB. 0.0004 percent [estimated number of active researchers studying the XDR-TB divided by the estimated number of researchers in the field]. Source. U.S. Dept. of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics.

c) Probability that a person with extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant tuberculosis contracted it randomly from a researcher who studies the issue. 1 in 10,000 [a times b].

d) Probability that the following statement by Dr. Bob Cooksey, a researcher at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, who studies extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant tuberculosis said about Mr. Andrew Speaker, his son-in-law, who contracted an extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant form of tuberculosis is true. "My son-in-law’s TB did not originate from myself or the C.D.C.´s labs, which operate under the highest levels of biosecurity.” Less than 50 percent.

e) Percentage of Americans who THINK the Department of Homeland offers them ADDITIONAL protection BEYOND RANDOM CHANCE ENCOUNTERS from perceived threats they may face, (does not include threats such as those posed by persons with extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant TB traveling in and out of the country on commercial airplanes). More than 75 percent.

f) ACTUAL level of safety against REAL threats (not perceived) the Department of Homeland Security provides to American citizens. Less than 1 percent. Or from a statistical viewpoint, the level of safety provided by the Department of Homeland security is equivalent to what you might expect it the events were COMPLETELY RANDOM.

Again. You heard it here first. Trust moi to give you the stats behind the so-called facts.

all homeland is local

Some moi propaganda from the 2003 election. Injet on rag paper. Dimensions vary, this one 11" x 17".

tear me apart

Ok so it's first Friday here in KC which means art gallery openings. My friend Susan had some pyrographs (burned drawings) that were interesting, even beautiful. There was a small discussion about how to make larger tips for larger drawings and Bryan, who had spent some time on the farm suggested an electric branding iron. I mentioned that our government (via some Homeland Security $$$'s) had developed it's own version of electric prods for use in torturing terrorists (this means you), although they have yet to be released to the general population.

Then off to another new gallery (unit 5 [how's that for a macho name]) where I encountered an interesting phenomenon. An artist team had printed a limited edition art book. This was fine. What was disconcerning to me was that they chose to mount and frame each page of the book separately. Because of the way books need to be constructed for readibility, this meant that the viewer was confronted with images and text that weren't spatially related to one another - except for being in the same book. It just seemed so sad to see a book displayed that way, especially by the authors. Hey, it's not my work, they can show it how they want, but I can see book plates torn from folios any day at the flea market I don't need to see them at a fine art gallery.

Speaking of being torn apart. There are still those who crucify themselves to cleanse themselves (us?) of sin. Apparently they do this every year and the main precaution they take is to sterilize the nails; seens like they might have more pressing concerns than bacteria on the nails. Don't know, seems easier to just take a bath and besides I thought Christ died for our sins, so what's up with the half-way re-enactment? Feel a bit cheated. Either do it up right, including the resurrection part, or just read the Good Book. While I wouldn't suggest this (the crucify part) to a friend, neighbor, or sane person, I heartily recommend it to many past and current members of this administration. Can Pat Roberson leg press a crucifix with Carl Rove lashed to it? Only God knows.