livestrong, die, or take performance-enhancing drugs

While some cycling fans, many of whom coincidentally seemed to be Reaganites, steadfastly stood by Floyd Landis' claims of innocence, readers of this blog will know that I never gave either Landis or Reagan much credit for being anything other than big dopes. However, just because Landis is the dopiest, angriest, most vindictive former member of the peleton doesn't mean he can't occasionally tell the truth.

Lance Armstrong has been the other big bully in cycling for years and bullies are yellow. Landis is Armstrong's 2nd teammate to accuse the 7-time TDF winner of systematic doping. Armstrong won the first case against Frankie Andreau and is winning the second one against Floyd in the court of public opinion. But should he? How is Lance any different than Barry Bonds? It's yet to be proven that Bonds took performance enhancing drugs to become the all-time home run king but everyone believes that he did. Only the superficial American cycling fan doesn't understand the fact that sure Lance has done more victory laps down the Champs Elysee than anyone in the history of cycling but that doesn't mean he's wasn't using. Listen to Lance and his coach when he speaks to the public, you'll hear him talk about being clean now and how he never had a positive test for performance enhancing drugs in his career.

The beloved and current US road champion, George Hincapie, sounded a lot like Mark McGuire the other day when he said he'd rather focus on the current state of cycling. Hincapie's sponsors (not the Steroids Anonymous ones!) would probably agree. A lot of cyclists can make similar statements about being clean today (ignoring yesterday) but no one else has Lance's seven TDF victories. And in America, we're all about winning. We're all about not getting caught. And we're all about being white.

It's hard to defend Landis because he has been such a bitter loser. Obviously what pains him the most is that he was doing what everyone else was doing at the time and he was the one who got caught and labeled a cheat. And others are seen as heroes. The timing of Landis' allegations during the Tour of California demonstrate just how bitter he remains. Landis, a former mountain bike world champion won the inaugural Tour of California. Now, he rides for a middling team that can't even buy entry into the event. And to make matters worst, Armstrong comes out of retirement and now all the media wants to do is talk about Lance. Lance. Lance. What a great guy. And his foundation. Awesome. All the time Landis is thinking, Jesus (forgive me, I have forsaken you), but I was just as good as this guy except I got caught and then burned by the system. This guys does it and he's a hero?

I don't think you've heard the end of this story but a lot of people with money and influence sure hope it goes away soon. Among those I count Radio Shack and the Livestrong Foundation. When the bottom line suffers, people take notice. Listen closely to their arguments against Landis and you'll discover that they always focus on labeling him and not on the issue of whether on not the accused took steroids during the time in question. Landis claims he spent as much as $90,000 a year on performance enhancing drugs. That should be pretty easy to prove if Landis cooperates. Authorities won't be able to access the finances of other riders who were implicated so all this will be hard, if not impossible to prove.

Ask yourself this. If Landis spent this kind of money to dope then the other top riders who claim innocence spent nothing? Also ask yourself this. Why are you so eager to find Barry Bonds guilty in the court of public opinion but not Lance Armstrong?

One of the more damning allegations, that the $100,000 contribution that Lance gave to the US anti-doping agency was in reality a bribe. UCI director. Pat McQuaid, strongly denied these allegations but this is one that should be pretty easy to uncover. For example, how many other $100,000 contributions did/does Lance routinely give and how many does UCI receive? We know the answer to the second question-none.

flance meets lance in the tour of missouri?

Organizers for the Tour of Missouri announced today that Floyd Landis will bring his team OUCH Presented by MAXXIS (that's really the name) and race this fall in the 3rd annual Tour of Missouri. If the Astanan/Livestrong? team is still around by them (and they are signed up to race the TOM perhaps we could see a showdown of comeback proportions between the two.

comeback kids

Without cliches, sports would just be another endeavor for me to watch on television--the Almighty.

Americans love comebacks. And they seem to be everywhere. The Tour of California is marking the comeback of Lance, Flance (Floyd Landis), Tyler Hamiliton, and Ivan Basso. The Oscars are marking the comeback of Mickey Rourke, Meryl Streep (she hasn't won an Oscar in 16 years, and Robert Downey Jr. Richard Jenkins (he's never even been nominated before this year) marks a comeback variant just by being in a place he's never been before after 40 years in the craft. Next week golf marks the comeback of Tiger Woods. Bruce Springsteen is trying once again to be the Boss. Congress is marking its own brand of comeback, that of passing bills by Democrats and trying to get the country to work together once again, although the jury still seems to be out on this one.

Hope? Change? It was no accident those shibboleths drove the election juggernaut in a different direction. They worked because we identify with the comeback. Comeback marks familiarity, but one slightly redefined so as to suggest renewal. A comeback is not an overthrow of the status quo, it's an affirmation. We demanded our own comeback last November. And change came. Or at least we hope it will.

We are all in a state of comeback. We are coming back from defeat. Or victory. We are coming back from injury - mental and physical. We are coming back from growing old, or older, or losing the magic touch, the mojo, the magic. We are coming back from lovers - those lost, those gained, and those imagined.

Lent begins on Wednesday. A period sacrifice so that we can mark a comeback. I'd say it's time, isn't it? Time for a comeback.

Leadville 100: wiens buries armstrong on last climb

Don't come to David Wiens with tales of Tour de France victories and expect any sympathy. Wiens, 2-time world mountain bike champion and Lance Armstrong, 7-time Le Tour winner, separated themselves from the field on the climb up Mt. Columbine to make the Leadville 100 mountain bike race a 2-person breakaway. And then much like last year, Wiens went by the former maillot jaune holder on the final climb. Wiens, despite riding the last few miles on a flat tire, then cruised to victory to earn his 6th consecutive victory in the Leadville 100. Last year Wiens dropped another Tour legend, Floyd "Flance" Landis, in the Colorado Rockies.

Wiens also did this in record time (6:45:45), breaking his mark from last year. For the mathematicians, that's an average of almost 15 miles an hour. On a mountain bike. Above 10,000 feet. Don't try that at home unless you're being paced by a legend. Wiens or Armstrong. You choose.

Elsewhere:
warrior ant press: the 2-mile high club

Photos: Joseph Kreiss, Velonews

there simply isn't enough

money. To go around. You don't have enough. Your friends don't have enough. Nor does your family. And what little money that you do have, you fritter away. How much money have you spent on Pop-tarts over your lifetime? Too much, too much, way too much. Sure that gooyey strawberry filling was madness after being nuked on high for 3o seconds - especially when covered with iced frosting and a few sprinkles - but you were in a hurry and had money to burn so there you were with a smile on your face and a scalded tongue. And that's just one example. Things you wanted, but didn't necessarily need, they're all around you.

Our heroes, however fallen, also don't have enough money. Litigation is expensive and apologies are few and far between. So saddle up riders and join the peleton.

First they took away his dignity and now the jersey. But you can help help Floyd recover his maillot jaune and earn one for yourself for the small price of $29.99 postage paid.
The jersey is 100 percent organic cotton and the attitude is all French. Proceeds benefit the Flance Fund. Order yours today. Or order one for Flance (he's lost his) since today is his 32nd birthday.
m.o.i.: maillot jaune
elsewhere:
m.o.i.: corporate money
m.o.i.: white hat, black hat, yellow jersey
m.o.i.: the 2-mile high club
m.o.i.: flance to wear zero for prologue
m.o.i.: you've lost that lovin' feeling
m.o.i.: give it up
stage 17 recap

the 2-mile high club

You can read the latest trials and tribulations of Flance in this week's edition of PLAY magazine (an insert in the Sunday NYTimes).

Flance, who was a world champion mountain biker before he sold his soul to the devil, recently finished 2nd the the Leadville Race Across the Sky - a 100-mile mountain bike race in the upper peaks of the Colorado Rockies. Leadville, a town that practically invented the endurance event, hosts 5 separate ultramarathons all of which take place at an altitude of over 10,000 feet. Just to give you an idea of how difficult these races are, the 100-mile mountain bike race has over 14,000 feet of gain - which also means that it has over 14,000 miles of descent! Whao Nelly, hang onto those bars.

If you think you're a real badass, then you might want to try for the Leadman or Leadwoman award. To be eligible, first you'll have to pony up the $500 entry fee just for the priviledge of trying and then, you will have to complete all five of the following events in one season AND you will have to complete then within a restricted time limit.

*26.2 mile Marathon.

*100 mile Trail run.

*100 Mountain Bike Race.

*50 mile Mountain Bike Race.

*10K Trail Run.

Oh, and if you get bored and want some more ultramarathon action above 10,000 feet then come back for the 20-mile snow shoe race in January or 21-mile pack burro race in August.

Photo: apologies to Larry Sultan

m.o.i.: the 2-mile high club
elsewhere:
m.o.i.: white hat, black hat, yellow jersey
m.o.i.: maillot jaune
m.o.i.: corporate money
m.o.i.: flance to wear zero for prologue
m.o.i.: you've lost that lovin' feeling
m.o.i.: give it up

you've lost that lovin' feeling

Petaluma, CA. News flash! Floyd Landis has called Phil Spector and Aledrei K. Lugovoi to testify on his behalf at his doping trial.

Spector, if he can be released from prison, is likely to testify that he never asked Lemond to "be my, be my little baby", while Luguvoi may suggest that the test results in question are likely a false-positive resulting from a cross reaction to trace amounts of polonium-210. Although not currently on the list of banned substances, most ruling bodies consider ingestion of polonium-210 to provide questionable health benefits.

Landis reportedly chose Spector and Lugovoi after noticing that both were enamored with a certain 70's sartorial flare. "The 70's and the head of the peleton are one of the few times when yellow can be considered fashionable." Landis, whose strict Mennonite upbringing forced him to be clad in black during his formative years and suppress a natural tendency to stretch the truth, has developed a fondness for colorful characters in the recent past.

Efforts to supenoa Jerry Falwell as a character witness were met by his untimely death. Lance "I did it 7 times with 1 ball"Armstrong is expected to testify that naturally-occuring testosterone is over-rated. No word yet on whether Tinky Winky will be called to the stand to demystify exactly what is meant when the LIVESTRONG braclet is worn on the left wrist.

m.o.i.: you've lost that lovin' feeling
elsewhere:
m.o.i.: maillot jaune
m.o.i.: corporate money
m.o.i.: white hat, black hat, yellow jersey
m.o.i.: the 2-mile high club
m.o.i.: flance to wear zero for prologue

m.o.i.: give it up
stage 17 recap

time to give it up

In a startling twist at his anti-doping trial, Floyd Landis, the reigning, embattled, and increasingly embittered Tour de France Champion, was asked by race officials to submit one of his testicles for additional analysis. The testy, testosterone-addled Landis who last year mounted one of the most impressive recoveries in Tour history while suffering from the lingering effects of dehydration and a first-class hangover, purportedly did the deed himself and without anesthesia, opting instead for a shot of Jack to deaden his scrotum. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get back in the saddle and defend my jersey" said Landis who later tied a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree.

"Lance won 7 Tours and the heart of Sheryl Crow with only one ball so I think you'll do fine", said the the presiding judge, a Mr. Mephistopheles. "Don't worry about false positives," said the judge, "if this one's hot, we can always take the B sample."

Moi research uncovered this startling photo whereby the Maillot Jaune listens to directions on how to avoid doping detection while a teammate preps his veins for a double dose of Jack.

m.o.i.: give it up
elsewhere:
m.o.i.: white hat, black hat, yellow jersey
m.o.i.: maillot jaune
m.o.i.: corporate money
m.o.i.: the 2-mile high club
m.o.i.: flance to wear zero for prologue
m.o.i.: you've lost that lovin' feeling