sports metaphors needed: price? $2,500

Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush both received $150,000 apiece to have a "conversation" in Toronto yesterday. The lowest priced of the 6,000 available tickets was $250. VIP tickets ran $625 and for $2500 you could sit front row and get your picture taken with both presidents. If $2500 seems like a lot of money to you (it does to me) just to put it in perspective, a center-court ticket to the NBA finals at the Staple Center in LA will set you back a similar amount. An infield box seat for this year's MLB AllStar game in St. Louis is also going to cost you about $2,500. The NBA finals and All-Star game are likely to be more entertaining than Bush/Clinton acting nice and holding hands under the table.

Note to entrepreneurs: selling 5,000 of the "conversation" tickets at the lowest value ($250) would gross 1.25 million. This doesn't account for any VIP tickets or concession sales. So, after paying off the two shills, you'll have pocketed nearly a million dollars.

Photo: Prince Albert launches one @ Busch Stadium, the site of this years MLB AllStar Game.

bush explains everything to white house press corps

"sometimes you misunderestimate me." President Bush addressing the White House Press Corps for the last time, Monday, January 12th, 2009.

God Bless him, and may God Bless the United States of America.

warrior ant press: top 10 bush administration failures

Here's Warrior Ant Press's list of the top 10 failures of the Bush Administration. We had to do some lumping to keep it to ten. Sincerely, we don't care if El Presidento Bush has the approval rating of an unruly teenager and sometimes acts like one. We do care that he's presided over the wreckage of our country that looks like a combination of the Great Dust Bowl, the Great Depression, and the War to End All Wars. Four more years of McSame? Think about it.

1. It's the economy, stupid. Here's a typical quote of the Bush Administration (from yesterday's radio address) that tries to gloss over the bad news.

Nonfarm payroll employment decreased by 84,000 jobs in August, and the unemployment rate rose to 6.1 percent. While these numbers are disappointing, what is most important is the overall direction the economy is headed.

I guess we need more an economic policy than suggesting to the American people that they shop in response to the attacks of 9-11.

2. The housing crisis. Dream a little dream for me. Over 1 million homes in foreclosure and climbing. Homes values dropping 10, 20, 30, even 40 percent in some areas. The government underwriting the losses of Fanny Mac and Fanny Mae while protecting the profit of the banks and creditors who wrote bad loans underwritten with thin credit.

3. Torture, warrant-less wiretaps, and The US Patriot Act.

4. The Department of Homeland Security, it's idiotic color-coded terror scheme ("make it simple, so the President can understand it"), it's stategic planning in the wake of real, and imagined threats, and TSA rules on liquids, shoes, and laptops. You may not feel safer, but at least some one's getting frisky with you.

5. Where in the world is Osa bin Laden? We've started a war that we can't stop, when the real problem was about as easy as the Invasion of Grenada. Reagan foot-soldier my ass.

6. Corruption, malfeasance, and criminals: Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Brown, John Ashcroft, Alberto Gonzalez, Harriet Miers, Karl Rove, and Josh Bolten. "Rule of Law?" Fine for fledgling democracies and the middle class, but only if it suits us. And these are just a few of the knuckleheads you've heard of it.

Here's an exert from a 2007 report on Bush criminals by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Government.

The misconduct covered here tends to fall into four general categories: using power to benefit friends and family members, engaging in private activities that conflict with government positions and a lack of supervision over high-level personnel. For example, Margaret Burnette, Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, J. Steven Griles, David Safavian and William Myers used their positions to financially benefit friends, family members and political cronies. Lester Crawford, Darleen Drunyan, Angela Grimsley and Kevin Marlowe were indicted for conflict of interest crimes. Eric Andell, Brian Doyle and Donald Keyser could have been caught much sooner, had they been subject to greater oversight. Perhaps the most disturbing conduct from a good government perspective, however, falls outside of these categories: it is overseers, such as Lurita Doan and Janet Rehnquist, using their positions to undermine oversight.

7. Loss of sanity, sometimes referred to as organic brain disease. "I looked in Vladmir Putin's eyes and saw that he was a good man." "Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction." "No one in my administration was responsible for the leaks." "We would never torture anyone."

8. Loss of transparency in our government. The Project on Government Secrecy by the American Federation of Scientists details more than 25 official Presidential Orders on White House secrecy, lists over 25 press briefings on why material should be kept secret from the people, and offers countless other orders, decisions, and memos from the Department of Justice, Office of the Vice President, and Pentagon on why the government's shit doesn't stink. Want to challenge any of the legal rulings? First you have to find out what's in them; sorry that's classified!

9. The loss of science in policy decisions. I think it's great that Jesus helped George cease being a spoiled-brat drunk looking for his next snort of coke. Jesus was cool, but most folks cause more problems when drunk, not sober. This President seems to be the exception. Global climate disruption is real. Understanding science can help policy makers make informed decisions about how to end our dependence on foreign oil. The alternative is number 10.

10. The invasion of Iraq. Over 1.2 million dead and over 3 million wounded in the region. The cost? Over 500 trillion, yes trillion, and climbing. All to settle a grudge and show his daddy he's finally a man. Maybe he's a man or maybe he's the worst President in U.S. history.

Enough. America. Enough.

circus ponies and peanuts

The GOP is quickly proving that they are no longer relevant in this country. It's day 2 of their convention and they haven't even released a schedule of who is speaking when and where. Why? If you're doing the same old, same old, it doesn't matter. You don't even have to hold a convention except to seal the back-room deals with the lobbyists, war-profiteers, and religious zealots.

El Presidento will invoke 9/11 and lots of people will get teary-eyed about the Pledge of Allegiance and Silver Stars. Forget specifics America, here's a gob of doodo, now smile, act pretty, and salute!

No thanks. Enough. America. Enough.

hillary doesn't dream in color

The Grand Old Party is in trouble. Dems are lining up, joined by Independents, and lines are stretching out the door to hear the candidates. Why? The Republicans basically offer two choices. More of the same ineptitude or a return to a Reaganese Presidential style that's essentially 25 years old. Think the world has changed just a little over 25 years? How about just the last 7?

The median age in the US is about 35 years which would mean the average voter was 12 years old during the midpoint of the Reagan Presidency and those same voters, have more respect for Steven Colbert and John Stewart than President Bush. For that matter, so do I.

Lest everyone, including myself, dare to begin to jump up and down with glee on the grave of the Republican Party, let's recall, the fat cat has yet to sing.
It's likely the party still has a few tricks left in their hand and if some of the cards are a little dirty, sigh....that's the way politics is played. At least by those who consider the win to be more important than the governance.

People are sick to death of the crap that comes out of Washington. Most lunchroom conversations are far more probing that the mild pratter that comes from the made-for-television debates. It's not just the candidates that need to be taken to task, it's the media that asks either soft-boiled questions, poll-based questions, or just plain dumb ones. I wouldn't vote for Ron Paul, but he should have throttled Carl Cameron for asking such a pointedly subjective question designed to diminish Paul in the mind of the voters during the recent South Carolina debate.

Cameron should be fired; if he worked for any other network than Fox, he might be. Dennis Kucinich has also received similar questions during debates and for the life of me, I don't understand why someone doesn't stand up during these debates and dress these questioners down in front of 3 million viewers.

On the other side, the Clintons continue to talk at us, and not with us. Witness Hillary’s understanding of Dr. King’s legacy as spoken to Fox News.

“I would point to the fact that that Dr. King’s dream began to be realized when President Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, when he was able to get through Congress something that President Kennedy was hopeful to do, the President before had not even tried, but it took a president to get it done. That dream became a reality, the power of that dream became real in people’s lives because we had a president who said we are going to do it, and actually got it accomplished.”

Uhhh, Senator Clinton, correction needed.

Dr. King’s dream began to be realized when thousands joined with him to boycott the segregated buses, when thousands marched non-violently with him down the street in spite of often unprovoked violence against them by armed police and racist thugs, and when thousands gathered on the great lawns of our nation’s capital to hear his, and other’s pleas for equality. Only then did Johnson act.

It’s telling, and equally disheartening, that Clinton’s inexperienced command of history is no better than it is. What else has she missed?

People want meaningful change in the way our government functions. The candidate that can carefully articulate a workable plan to improve the quality of life of most every American will win this election.
---------------
Martin Luther King, Jr., Southern Christian Leadership Conference Convention, Atlanta, GA, 1960 photo by Howard Sochurek

resolved in '08: keep grinding

Warrior Ant Press resolutions for the New Year.

Zero tolerance for torture.
Lose 10 pounds.
Impeach George Bush and Dick "the Dick" Cheney.
Start smoking cigarettes.

buck up pardners

The Sprint Center, a downtown concept arena, opened its doors recently in Kansas City. It's opening was bolstered by a ten show gig by Good 'Ole Boy and Walmart shopper Garth Brooks. City Manager, Wayne Cauthen, who was in Denver when Coors Field opened, loves grown-ups hooping and hollerin', wearing their Sunday-go-to-meeting cowboy boots and hats, and spending lots of money in the city. Last night the Sprint Center hosted the World's Toughest Cowboy Rodeo along with a Party in the Dirt by the latest Boothell buzz, Trent Tomlinson.

Rodeo, according to the sponsors of the World's Toughest Cowboy, is one of America's fastest growing sports. I thought that was Nascar, but here I think we're talking the same demographics. Go to the rodeo if you haven't been in a while and you can find out why George Bush in in office. God, the flag, and standing tall, all for sale, and a shot of Jagermeister on the side. BooRah.

And since there's so much competition for our entertainment dollars and attention, this rodeo starts with explosions, backlighting, and hip-hop dubs. For those not familiar with the Toughest Cowboy concept, and I wasn't, it's this. It's a made-for-tv event. What isn't? This rodeo is series of indoor arena events that are held during the winter, the typically off-season of the sport. This keeps the concept in the minds of the audience and allows the promoters to go into previously untapped, or understaturated markets. "Twelve of the toughest hombres on the planet" are paired against each other in 3 rodeo events at each arena stop. Since this was the first event this year, I'm not sure how they were ranked, but each competitor is seeded. One goes against 12, two against 11, and so forth. For each round, there are three: bareback, saddle bronc and bull riding, they are given a score. Two out of three wins the head-to-head and the highest total points is declared the winner of that evenings event. As the events progress throughout the tournament, people start to get eliminated until the final rodeo pits the last remaining 4 and they compete to win among other things the Jagermeister Ranch, which apparently is a place somewhere out West that cowboys and George Bush still dream about.

And because audiences tend to drift off the deep end if things aren't happening all the time, it moves fast. Between event changes we have barrel races, "Who doesn't like "pretty ladies on horseback!" the announcer says, but at least there's prize money (amount not stated) and chuckwagon races, which is like a cross between a dirt-track and a chariot race but with a team of horses and dudes in cowboy hats carrying cell phones, everyone going in circles with lot's of dirt flying around. Plus, there's ample time for promotions of the sponsors products. The Jagermeister girls shooting t-shirts into the upper deck. The Polaris paper airplane toss - "win $50,000 worth of ATVs!", and the cattle dog with the monkey-on-its-back who makes the sheep run up the ramp and jump down into the tiny, tiny portable pen.

In short, the World's Toughest Cowboy competition is like a big rodeo party. At the end, they raise that night's winner up in the air on a giant triangle thingy while buckin' broncs snort and cavort about the arena beneath him. Yes, pardners, they really did this. There's even an after-party.

Last night's after-party was hosted by Trent Tomlinson, who is the second biggest county-rock star to emerge from the same town where Sheryl Crow hails from. Trent, who landed 2 top forty country hits with his first cd sings a lot about drinking, his drinking girlfriend, and hanging out with his family drinking 'neath a shade tree.

The best endorsement I've heard about Tomlinson was from the counter woman at Alford's Pit Bar-B-que. "Why, he's a sweetheart. Comes to visit me every time he comes home." There you go, just like Mike Huckabee - Faith. Family. Freedom. The music though? It sucks balls...of the World's Toughest Cowboy.

bush counting on veteran's day

3890 U.S. Soldiers killed; 27,000 U.S. Soldiers wounded; over 100 journalists killed; ~1000 U.S. contractors/mercenaries killed and more than 12,000 contractors/mercenaries wounded; and over ~80,000 civilians killed.

What is the Bush Plan for Armistice Day in the Middle East? What are the candidates plans for Armistice Day in the Middle East? If they can't articulate a plan for ending the Middle East Madness, don't vote for them.



More @:
Iraqi coalition casualities

Civilian casuality estimates

dems to bush/cheney

no, F-you!

Whoa, Congress has finally over-ridden a veto of El Presidente Bush. The Water Resources Development Act, an act which has a lot more to do with development than water resources, was the first. Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri was one of only 2 Democrats to vote against the override. Pork rind Republican Kit Bond, who loves special interests almost as much as the sauce, supported the bill. Outside of K-Street, no American, including members of Congress who voted for it, has actually been able to read the bill.


In a nod to sanity, the last earmark to be included in the bill was a provision that would send a case of bottled water to every registered voter in the all-important, but parched states of the Deep South. Residents are advised that the contents of one bottle should be used to water their lawns.

our most important asset

Hey, if you're rich and a movie mogul then when wildfires threaten your home you can call your very own Dreamworks Fire Department and have them douse your home with flame retardants. Once the wildfire threat has past and then when it rains, all those flame retardants can wash off your home and into the creeks and waterways used by the rest of the world who keep your dreams alive by watching the Shrek you produce. Let's replace our ecosystem with a cartoon.


But if you're not-so-rich, that also means that you're not-so-important, and you might want to try alternative methods for saving your home.


The result.

Quotes of the day.
George Bush, "you're doing a heckuva job Arnold."
Michael Brown, "I'm available for interviews."

ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT WILDFIRES.
m.o.i.: our most important asset
elsewhere:
universal symbol for dinosaur piss
m.o.i.: busted out the stall

two-timing the decider

W., who not long ago came out to the American people and described his "open exchange of positions" with Vlad and implored the Russian leader to keep the relationship vibrant for another 4 years, now appears miffed by roving Russian eyes. "yes" means yes, and "no" means no, the Decider stated adamantly.

Sometimes in politics, "yes" means maybe.
The cloying Bear is now making advances to the man-who-can't-count-to-six-million and the miffed Bush is threatening everyone to show them his missle. Again.

homo erectus

El Presidente, Dick Cheney, has voluntary agreed to temporarily remove his finger from George Bush's arse, thus ending his brief, but second knuckle, tenure, as reigning King of the World View. Bush, who wore a flight suit during much of the procedure, is expected to recover enough to tackle his next job, that of reading the latest installment of Harry Potter before his term expires in slighty more than 17 months.

"It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it," said Bush.

bend over america

George Bush bends over, people stick their thingy up his ass, and voila, Dick Cheney is the President.

It really is true. You knew it worked liked this and now there's proof.

George Bush loses at checkers

Scientists have reported that they have successfully written a computer program, Chinook, that never loses at checkers, which makes this program about as relevant as my Uncle Bob, now deceased, who also never lost at checkers. I'm fairly certain that Chinook does not wear Sunday-go-to-meeting cowboy boots nor mix his Jim Beam straight into 6-ounce Cocoa-Colas nor belittle you for being a city-slicker all while kicking butt on the black and red but you can try to beat the boring but inimitable machine yourself.

In a related story, scientists also reported that George Bush is still an idiot and that there is no apparent end in sight for the War in Iraq - soon to be known as the War in the Middle East.

ball boy*

Today President Bush announced that his ball boy, Scooter Libby, will have an asterik placed next to his name in the federal register. Allegations of steroid use and a federal perjury conviction have dogged Scooter, who recently suffered 2nd degree carpet burns on both his hands and knees, in recent weeks.

poodle released from bush's care

Champion Blair Tony of 10 Downing Street to compete in upcoming Mideast trials.

whup ass on-a-stick

Pope Benedict chided President Bush today to be ever, more vigilant in the War on Contemporary Art. In a subdued ceremony, the Pope gave the President one of Roosevelt Wilkerson's, Moses's staffs (the 10 Commandments on-a-stick. isn't everything better on a stick?) and instructed the Commandment-in-Chief to go forth and bring to bear a little mercy upon the backs of the untoward and unrepentant. The President responded by giving him a taste of his own staff, which he affectionly calls Capt. America.

limited time introductory offer

The following questions were used to vett Jeb Bush for the 2012 election. Get out the dragnet for God and Praise Jesus, he did not pass. When I say go, you may turn the page and you have exactly 3 minutes to complete the questions. Please put down your pencils when I say stop.

Ok GO!

Paper or plastic or hemp?

Giants or Yankees? Dodgers or Yankees? Yankees or Red Sox? National or American?

Should George Bush's presidency have an asterik placed next to it?

Why can't the President dance? And the First Lady?

Bird or Trane? Mingus or Davis? Ellington or Ella? Billie Holliday or Nina Simone or Madeline Peyroux? Sinatra or Nat King?

To the best of your recollection when was the first time that you became aware of the fact that the President and Ms. Myers were having a tryst in the Rose Garden?

To the best of your recollection, when was the first time that you became aware of the fact that the First Lady and Condi were reading the collected works of Sappho together at a Georgetown book club?

Johnny or June Carter? George or Tammy? Kurt or Courtney?

Are you aware of any alien life forms living in our midst?

Who's more inept? Agent Fox Mulder or Agent Jack Bauer? More believable? More dangerous?

Dick Cheney shot a lawyer just to watch him die?

Which would be the best way to help? Don't cross that line. Get in the second chopper. Drop your weapon, NOW! Listen up to ole-timey music.

Why can't the soldiers in Iraq just click their heels together 3 times and come home?

TIME! and STOP!

guy walks into a bar

ok. Guy walks into his favorite bar and sits down, orders a beer, looks over and see's a man sitting at the end of the bar dressed in a cheerleader costume: makeup, earrings, lipstick, pompons on the bar, the whole getup. Bartender brings the guy his beer, the guy leans over the bar, ''psst, Joe, everyday I come in here after work, have my two beers, go home to my wife and kids, get up the next day and go back to work, the same thing over and over. Today, though, everything's the same except when I get to the bar, order my beer and then I look over and there's a man dressed up like a cheerleader at the end of the bar. whaddup' wit dat?" Bartender nonchalantly wipes the counter, takes the guy's money and says, ''some dude from Texas''.

Next day. Guy walks into the same bar after working all day, sits down and orders his beer from Joe the bartender. The guy takes a long pull off the beer, looks over and sees the same man from the day before sitting at the end of the bar except this time the man's wearing a kilt and he's got hammers, rulers, chalk line, pliers, all kinds of worker's gear hanging off the kilt, PLUS he's wearing a hardhat. When the guy see's this he can't help it, he coughs beer all over the counter. Joe comes over, wipes up the mess on the bar. Guy whispers. "Joe, uhhh, man at the end of the bar....?" Joe turns, shakes his head, walks away and mutters "some dude from Texas".

Very next day. Same guy walks into the same bar, sits in the same place, orders his same beer. Looks over, sees the seat at the end of the bar is unoccupied and let's out an audible sigh. "Long week?" Joe asks.

"Yeah," the guy says "helluva week. Thank God it's over. You know I just don't understand the world anymore, I used to, but now it seems that it's all topsy-turvy. Everywhere I turn seems there’s something new and crazy going all. Cross-dressers. Macho men in utili-kilts. Wars everywhere. I just don’t get it."

Bartender says, "hey buddy, this is America, people got a right to be whoever they want. Anybody wants to come in my bar is welcome and if you don't like the company you can leave! Think you can have a beer after work in Iraqi? Ever think about that?"
"You're right" the guy says, "I'm just stressed out. Long week."

Guy finishes his beer and orders an another. Pretty soon a beautiful woman comes into the bar and sits down right next to him. She orders a double martini, neat, which she proceeds to gulp. "Bartender" she points to the empty glass and makes a circle with her hand. Another double martini straight down the hatch. Again, "bartender!".

"Whoa, Nelly," the guy says, "I know it’s Friday but shouldn’t you take it a little slower?"

The woman turns, pulls the curls from over her eye, and weakly smiles. "Here’s to love."

"To love!" Their glasses klink. "Joe! Another round, this time I’ll have what this lovely lady is having."

"You don’t want that," the lady says. "No. No you don’t. You see, I just got a call from my husband who was stationed in the Green zone. A couple of nights ago they were on patrol and an IUD went off and blew shrapnel through the window. He was driving. Tore off his right arm, part of his left hand, half of his nose. He’s alive, but will never be the same."

"Oh my God, I so sorry" the guy says, puts his arm around her. "I thought we making progress over there? How does that stuff happen?"

Bartender tops off the martinis. Looks ém both in the eye and says, "I’ll tell you how it happens, it’s simple - some dude from Texas."