sports au naturel

Swiss golfer, Henrick Stenson, proves that golf is the only professional sport where one is permitted to play in your underwear. I really think he's just trying to get a Jockey endorsement.

However, there are several amateur sports where folks take the au naturel approach. For instance, there's the little known sport of ice chopping whereby naked men, wielding only an axe, courage, and a shriveled penis see who can chop the fastest route across a frozen river.



Then there's probably the craziest sport ever invented, naked skateboard luge, where, and this is no joke, people lie down naked on a skateboard and attempt to ride down steep and winding hills. A few summers ago, while walking home late one night, my friend and I heard the distinctive sounds of wheels on pavement coming in our direction. We stopped and waited. In a few seconds, around the bend came a person lying prone on a skateboard. They whizzed past us gathering speed and we marveled as they leaned and guided the streaking board expertly down the broad hill and evenly around curves. Once they went out view, we both looked at each other and asked incredulously, "was that person naked?" Sure enough. We found a spot near the top the hill and watched for the next hour as one after one crazed young adults stripped and took to the hill wearing only sneakers.

The fun only stopped after a car blindly approaching from the opposite direction nearly ran over one of the lugers as they passed each other in the middle of the road. The driver stopped when he got to the top of hill, jumped out of the car, and shouted, "you're going to get someone killed!"

To which I replied, "hey, did you happen to notice that person wasn't wearing any clothes?" The driver gave me a puzzled look, got back in his car, slammed the door, and burned rubber as he drove off. Spoil sport!

Henrick Stenson image Getty Images

drive for show

Who watches golf on TV? Who calls eight friends over and gets a keg of beer? Landscapers, I guess. They sit around the TV, yelling, "Will you look at that golf path? Pure pea gravel." ~Jeff Cesario

The National Golf Federation has sheepishly announced that the number of hard-core golfers has been declining just at a time, when after years of building courses to keep up with demand, the number of courses is at an all-time high.

Contrary to the overall decline are some interesting notes, including that the number of women, children, and minorities are increasing, as are the number of automatic defibrillators on courses. The latter being the only increase not attributable to Tiger. The upshot of which is that should you ever want to shock a Hispanic teenage woman back to life, you'll be able to do so without having to pull the sand wedge from the bag. Just remember to have your HeartSmart card handy in case the victim dies before the para-medics arrive.

As someone, with deference to my Scots-Irish (among others) heritage, who used to play the game decently, and who once, yes true, defeated Payne Stewart in a putting tournament, I can say unequivocally why I stopped playing the game called by Twain, "a fine walk spoiled."

*Golf courses are environmental disasters.

*Golf courses are a huge waste of water.

*Golfing is expensive, time-consuming, and full of club members. I'm not good with clubs, or more typically, not invited to join them, which suits me. Groucho said it best, "any club that would have me, I wouldn't want to join."

*Golf, even when walking 18 holes, requires other forms of exercise to keep in shape, which is one reason I used to cycle to the club, which never endeared me to members who drove sports cars, especially after they lost the Nassau.