warrior ant press: favorite bejing olympic moments

Ten of Warrior Ant Press's favorite moments from the Beijing Olympics.

Vitoria Mitchell was the only person given a protest permit by Chinese officials. Shortly after competing in the 1500-meter race, Australian officials bowed to strong pressure and returned Mitchell to the former penal colony for re-education.

Chinese brought honor to their country and set a new Olympic record by successfully analyzing 25,000 urine samples during the 14 days of competition. Surprisingly, the only athletes to test positive where 4 horses in Hong Kong, who showed elevated levels of capsicum. Their trainers said the positive results were likely the result of using fried jalapeno poppers from Chili (Official Olympic sponsor!) as training rewards.

Chinese climbers were able, with the help of Tibetan Sherpas, to light the Olympic torch on the summit of Mt. Everest. Immediately after summiting, one of the Sherpas unfurled a FREE TIBET flag and began snapping photos that were quickly disseminated via the internet and just as promptly removed by Chinese officials. The Sherpas were forced to descend to Base case 4 without the aid of bottled oxygen.

Pop star Bjork unabashedly celebrated an Icelandic team handball victory. It was the first Olympic Summer Game medal in the country's history.







George Bush, frustrated by his decision not to slap a little volleyball ass and the temporary ban on eating dog, chilled out by snacking on a kitten.

The British were criticized for portraying the Olympic monkey with slanted eyes in this promotional video. The IOC is looking into the matter and may punish the Brits by forcing them to host the next Olympics.

Lin Dan of China was briefly knocked unconscious by a powerful serve from his badminton opponent, the Malaysian Lee Chong Wei. Dan was quickly revived with a cup of bird's nest tea and went on the take the gold medal.

Wang Xiuying (77) and Wu Dianyuan (79) stirred some controversy and dodged repeated doping allegations when they became the oldest competitors to placed gold and silver in the little known Olympic sport of Collective Chutzpah.




Bela Koroli, as a color commentator for NBC, spoke elegantly and passionately about the Olympic spirit and repeatedly praised the Chinese for their transparency, fairness, and competitive spirit.




Cuban Ángel Matos, stoked after his bronze medal tae kwon do match, released a little energy by offering to take on all-comers. He began by kicking the referee's ass who had, Ángel insisted, repeatedly called him, "Catro's pawn" during the match.

thumbed!

One of the great things about the Olympics is you get to see some sports that you never get to see any other time of the year. Some of my favorites are the Madison, a bicycle race more than 100 years old that involves a complicated scoring system and the sling-shotting of riders around the track. It's fun to watch because it's like a game you might make up as a child, except this one was made up by crazy, 24-hour velodrome racing cyclists at the turn of the century who were racing around Madison Square Garden. One suspects they might have been bored or heavy into betting when they invented it, but it does make for interesting viewing. To see the Madison races you'll likely have to skip the tv coverage and move to the internet.

BMX, aka bicycle moto-cross, on the internet has all the races from all the heats instead of just the highlights featuring American riders. (I also love my country, but the logo has more than one ring.) BMX is another fun sport that moved from the streets to the track and the nick-names followed: Butter(Kyle Bennett), Stumpdog (Randall Stumpfhauser), Salad Bar (Segio Salazar), AfroBob (Rob de Wilde), and Doctor Smooth (Luke Madill). There's even an Aussie who's real name is Kamakazi. The races are fast and furious with wipeouts so you never know what'll happen at the end.

Another favorite sport, one I get to see only every 4 years during the Olympics, is water polo. Again, it looks like a game you might have invented as a child around the pool. On top of the water, folks swim around the pool trying to throw a ball in a net while opponents try to stop them. Beneath the water, it's a constant battle to create an equipment malfunction for your opponent.

US women's water polo teams are under some sort of curse, no doubt related to festering the world with all those Disney movies about mermaids. They've lost the gold medal in the last seconds for 3 straight Olympics. In 2000 at Sydney the Australians scored the winning goal with 2 seconds left in the game, in 2004 at Athens, it was the Italians scoring with 1.2 seconds left, and this year in Beijing, it was the Netherlands who scored the winning goal with 26 seconds left in the game. Talk about a thumb in your eye, but stayed tuned, the Americans will defend their silver medal in 4 years at the London games.

olympic proportions

Now that the Michael Phelps Olympics® has ended you can get on with being productive in your life. As much fun as it's been to watch someone invincible, here's a sad fact of life. The average American gains 4.5 lbs during the Olympics.

The reason for the weight gain are believed to be several. One, sitting on your ass and watching 6-8 hours of television a day isn't very healthy. Second, apparently watching world-class atheletes perform at levels well beyond the reach of the average Gallup poll respondent tends to increase one's metabolic rate, although not to the exent of the atheletes who are competing for 1 million dollars bonuses and the rights to wear an $800 swim suit.

Professional atheletes, like Phelps and Tour de France cyclists, consume 10,000-12,000 calories a day to provide the fuel they need to power their way through multiple competitions or over the Alpe D'Huez. If you're swimming 1500 meters just to warm up, or riding 150 kilometers a day to stay fit, you can pretty much eat anything you want. If you've skipped a few workouts this week to keep up with the Olympic coverage, you'd be better off dialing the nachos down a knotch since Americans who watch the Olympics tend to consume about 3,000 calories per day when 2,500 would do.

contraindications

Let the games begin. Maestro, a little razzle-dazzle.



The Chinese seem to be able to pretty much do anything they set their collective minds to, like create incredible new architecture and mount a spectacle to make the world go "awe".

Photos:
Fireworks over the Bird's Nest, Doug Kanter, NY Times.
China Central Television, Greg Baker, AP