petraus admonishes war lords to chill out

General Petraus appeared on Capitol Hill yesterday trying to convince Presidential candidates that the Olympic torch can remain safe despite growing reactions around the world and at home that the current practices to protect it aren't working, haven't worked, and won't worked.

Petraus' assessment of the situation can best be described by this quote, "the 3 trillion dollar bottle of champagne has been pushed to the back of the refrigerator". Later, he suggested that a new mascot might be just the ticket to stabilize the surge.

In that end, the Bush Administration has acquired the rights to a giant floating ice cube man, that once installed above the green zone will surely convince all the warring factions in Iraq to chill out for good. Why didn't we think of this before?

cheney, mcgruff, bauer to lead st. pat's parade in green zone

Wow what a lineup! And almost as hip as the Rachel Ray showcase at SXSW, leaders of the group, American Death Metal, will headline the St. Pat's Day Parade in the Green Zone.

In a surprise visit, Dick "the Dick" Cheney, McGruff the Crime Dog, and Jack Bauer have all landed in Iraq to assess the situation and trade war stories, autographs, and riff on endless war. Beer chugging contests, spontaneous back-slapping, and green puke expected later.

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