limited time introductory offer

The following questions were used to vett Jeb Bush for the 2012 election. Get out the dragnet for God and Praise Jesus, he did not pass. When I say go, you may turn the page and you have exactly 3 minutes to complete the questions. Please put down your pencils when I say stop.

Ok GO!

Paper or plastic or hemp?

Giants or Yankees? Dodgers or Yankees? Yankees or Red Sox? National or American?

Should George Bush's presidency have an asterik placed next to it?

Why can't the President dance? And the First Lady?

Bird or Trane? Mingus or Davis? Ellington or Ella? Billie Holliday or Nina Simone or Madeline Peyroux? Sinatra or Nat King?

To the best of your recollection when was the first time that you became aware of the fact that the President and Ms. Myers were having a tryst in the Rose Garden?

To the best of your recollection, when was the first time that you became aware of the fact that the First Lady and Condi were reading the collected works of Sappho together at a Georgetown book club?

Johnny or June Carter? George or Tammy? Kurt or Courtney?

Are you aware of any alien life forms living in our midst?

Who's more inept? Agent Fox Mulder or Agent Jack Bauer? More believable? More dangerous?

Dick Cheney shot a lawyer just to watch him die?

Which would be the best way to help? Don't cross that line. Get in the second chopper. Drop your weapon, NOW! Listen up to ole-timey music.

Why can't the soldiers in Iraq just click their heels together 3 times and come home?

TIME! and STOP!

in the queue

Review. Norah Jones and the Handsome Band with special guest M. Ward. June 4th, 2007. Music Hall, Kansas City, MO. Unofficial attendance. ~2200.

You know it's easy to dismiss N. Jones as eye candy, but we shouldn't fault someone for being symetrical. She is what she is, and yes, those locks ARE curly, and damn, she IS one fine bitch! She is much better looking than we are and surrounded by her assymetrical, but capable band, Ms. Jones can soothe the savage beast but can't yet get us to dance. However, she is young and she is learning, which alone demands we pay attention. We do expect the lighting to be up to union standards and tonite it was NOT. Such criticisms are not likely her fault, but hey, it WAS HER NAME IN LIGHTS ON THE MARQUEE. Want to be star. Make sure it all works. Or lower the ticket prices. Or move me. For less money, Iris Dement and Karin Allison moved me to tears. This bitch is pretty, but she won't make you weep.

The city, and this is the same city city that built the Music Hall in the heart of the deprsssion, should be pillared for not having an ATM nor serving Boulevard Beer at such venues. Music Hall managment should be terminated today!

Promising signs for the future. New arrangements for old standards with a Dr. J0hn influence. Admittance that she does not know how to properly tune her guitar. M. Ward.

Set list. I have no fucking idea.

After party @ J. P.'s Wine Bar. While N. Jones, M. Ward, and the Handsome Band dined on stale Gates B-B-que, the locals headed just around the corner from the art-deco inspired Music Hall for 70's platters and flights of casked scotch. The ratio of hipster less-than-30 year-olds to boring, white seniors (who else can afford the concert tickets?) was an order of magnitude greater than the concert venue. Jone should stop being smug about being a product of late 60's free-love. Look around. It not that uncommon. Hooking up is the term today.

Fruit cobbler for breakfast?

Yes, it can be done and without the guilt. Here's how.

Cobbler is essentially fruit with some protein, carbohydrates, sweetner, and flavoring added. Make the carbs and sugars complex and it sounds a bit like granola and fresh fresh fruit, doesn't it? Add some yogurt to the mix and you've got the typical morning starter. Mix it, bake it, and viola! Fruit cobbler. It's a two-fer. Serve with vanilla ice cream and you've got desert. Leftovers plain or with yogurt makes a great breakfast.

Simple. Quick. Prep time, 10-15 minutes depending upon skill level.

First assemble some fresh, seasonal fruit. This is an opportunity to use those less-than-perfect, very ripe, but still edible fruits.

In the house, Georgia peaches, California strawberries, and blackberries. Combine 1 cup each of peaches (skin on or off) cubed, strawberries halved, and blackberries whole in mixing bowl. Add 1/2 cup lemon yogurt (substitute plain or vanilla just don't use a custard-style variety), 2 tablespoons vanilla sugar (turbinado sugar stored with split vanilla bean for 1 week), 2 tablespoons maple syrup, 1/2 cup rolled oats. Teaspon of orange, lemon, or lime zest. Blend all ingredients. Pour into gently buttered gratin dish.

In a separate bowl cruble 2 cups of your favorite low-fat granola with cinnamon, chinese five spice, nutmeg, etc. to taste and 2 tablespoons butter. Sprinkle evenly over top of gratin. Bake in slow oven until edges bubble. Let rest for 10 minutes while the coffee brews. Yogurt on the side if you wish.

Yum. Yum.

m.o.i.: Fruit cobbler for breakfast?
elsewhere
m.o.i: standards updated
m.o.i: chili 'n out
m.o.i: bioaccumulation
m.o.i.: inventory reduction dinner
m.o.i.: autumn trout
m.o.i.: life is corny
m.o.i.: purple food, purple food
m.o.i.: post-modern breakfast

it boggles the mind

a) Probability that any given person in the US will contract XDR-TB, or Extensive Drug Resistant tuberculosis, 0.024 percent. [number of estimated cases of XDR-TB in US divided by US population]. XDR-TB is also referred to as Extreme Drug Resistance TB; Extremely Virulent, Anti-biotic Resistant Strain of Tuberculosis; or the 98 Percent Mortality TB. Sources, World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and American Lung Association.

b) Probability that any given US researcher has access to extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant strains of tuberculosis or XDR-TB. 0.0004 percent [estimated number of active researchers studying the XDR-TB divided by the estimated number of researchers in the field]. Source. U.S. Dept. of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics.

c) Probability that a person with extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant tuberculosis contracted it randomly from a researcher who studies the issue. 1 in 10,000 [a times b].

d) Probability that the following statement by Dr. Bob Cooksey, a researcher at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, who studies extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant tuberculosis said about Mr. Andrew Speaker, his son-in-law, who contracted an extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant form of tuberculosis is true. "My son-in-law’s TB did not originate from myself or the C.D.C.´s labs, which operate under the highest levels of biosecurity.” Less than 50 percent.

e) Percentage of Americans who THINK the Department of Homeland offers them ADDITIONAL protection BEYOND RANDOM CHANCE ENCOUNTERS from perceived threats they may face, (does not include threats such as those posed by persons with extremely virulent, anti-biotic resistant TB traveling in and out of the country on commercial airplanes). More than 75 percent.

f) ACTUAL level of safety against REAL threats (not perceived) the Department of Homeland Security provides to American citizens. Less than 1 percent. Or from a statistical viewpoint, the level of safety provided by the Department of Homeland security is equivalent to what you might expect it the events were COMPLETELY RANDOM.

Again. You heard it here first. Trust moi to give you the stats behind the so-called facts.

you've lost that lovin' feeling

Petaluma, CA. News flash! Floyd Landis has called Phil Spector and Aledrei K. Lugovoi to testify on his behalf at his doping trial.

Spector, if he can be released from prison, is likely to testify that he never asked Lemond to "be my, be my little baby", while Luguvoi may suggest that the test results in question are likely a false-positive resulting from a cross reaction to trace amounts of polonium-210. Although not currently on the list of banned substances, most ruling bodies consider ingestion of polonium-210 to provide questionable health benefits.

Landis reportedly chose Spector and Lugovoi after noticing that both were enamored with a certain 70's sartorial flare. "The 70's and the head of the peleton are one of the few times when yellow can be considered fashionable." Landis, whose strict Mennonite upbringing forced him to be clad in black during his formative years and suppress a natural tendency to stretch the truth, has developed a fondness for colorful characters in the recent past.

Efforts to supenoa Jerry Falwell as a character witness were met by his untimely death. Lance "I did it 7 times with 1 ball"Armstrong is expected to testify that naturally-occuring testosterone is over-rated. No word yet on whether Tinky Winky will be called to the stand to demystify exactly what is meant when the LIVESTRONG braclet is worn on the left wrist.

m.o.i.: you've lost that lovin' feeling
elsewhere:
m.o.i.: maillot jaune
m.o.i.: corporate money
m.o.i.: white hat, black hat, yellow jersey
m.o.i.: the 2-mile high club
m.o.i.: flance to wear zero for prologue

m.o.i.: give it up
stage 17 recap

summertime...and the living is easy

One of the best parts of summer is the food. So plentiful. So scrumptious. So simple. Here's a thorough and thought-provoking breakfast called Puy de Dome.

Wild Alaskan salmon tartare.

Hard-boiled eggs (free-range organic from Campo Lindo Farms).

Vidalia onions (from Georgia of course).

Toasted baquettes and sesame semolina (from Farm to Market Bread).

Fresh fruit and yogurt: blackberries, strawberries, and canteloupes (purveyors vary).

And as always. Several cups of very strong coffee (from the Broadway Cafe and Roastery).

Are you ready for an egalitarian Cat. 1 climb now?

vrooM! vrooOM! vrooOMMM!

A Memorial Day tradition. Women in motorsports. Here Jeanetta Holder is shown in the winner's circle at the greatest spectacle in racing, the Indy 500. It was the 30th consecutive visit to the fabled pit row for Mrs. Holder, eclipsing the previous record of 2 held by Wilbur Shaw (1939-40), Mauri Rose (1947-48), Bill Vukovich (1953-54), and Al Unser (1970-71). Holder is shown here with Sam Hornish and his wife, a recovering anorexic.

mark making

We are leaving our marks everywhere. This is not a print from the PopArt Show @ the Whitney. It's detergent suds and sewage scum in a local stream originating from a leaky sewer line. Moi wishes this were an uncommon occurrence, but that's not the case in Kansas City, nor would it be true in most other U.S. urban areas. Our infrastructure, like our population, is aging and cosmetic repairs won't save it anymore than they save us from our ultimate demise.

We are going to be spending millions (in some cases billions) in the coming decade(s) to address these problems. If we ignore them, the damage to our ecological resources will continue to increase in severity driving the ultimate costs even higher.

noah's ass

was not a Meyrchippus. The Creation Musuem is set to open on Memorial Day in Lexington, Kentucky. According to their web site, the fabrication shop is busy with the final preparations, painting sculptures, finishing exhibits, and generally making stuff up. A product of the Answers in Genesis ministry, which purports to uphold the authority in the Bible from the very first verse, this musuem in nothing short of a wonder.

For example, although the earth (by their convoluted reckoning) is only 6,000-12,000 years old, Noah loaded his ark with dinosaurs, such as the Meyrhippus that are 11-17 million years old. So yes, the fabrication shop is very busy. Fabricating the truth. If they can't tell the truth about dinosaurs then how can they be trusted to tell the truth about the Bible, the origins of the universe, or other nagging questions. In short. They cannot be trusted since they don't know their ass from a Meyrhippus.

I encourage people to visit this musuem so that you can see first hand just how misinformed this ministry is about our world. And after you buy some cheesey souvenirs to give to your better-read friends back home, then please tell the staff that that you think fabricating the truth is very unChristian like and a load of horse shit.

Jesus said no to power and so should you.

find the coot

There are lot's of mediated experiences in Florida. Why travel to the Holy Land when for $35 per adult you can have the Holy Land Experience and then afterwards have dinner at TGI Fridays? Jesus, I just hope for that price they kill him, again, and again, and again. And that He is Arisen, Again He is Arisen, and Again He is Arisen.

Ok, so maybe you're not into malls, mega-churches, or Disney characters. Then head to one of the natural springs. Try Wekiwa Springs State Park if you're in the Orlando area. Although on weekends there apparently are a lot of Floridians with a yearning for something more natural than a white dude with bad hair preaching about the Pentecost.

There are number of cooter species in Florida. The Florida Peninsular Cooter is fairly common in the runs within Wekiwa State Park.

levee don't stop me

Two to five inches of rain over a couple of days (graph says 1 week, but most of the rain fell within 48 hours) over about a third of the Missouri River basin was all it took to overtop some levees.

Papal Edict. This means war!

Brasilia--Today the Pope declared war on contemporary art and vowed to raise an army of Cardinals against Puppet Opera, Richard Serra retrospectives, and bananas on buildings. Pope Benedict suggested that contemporary art practitioners silently longed for realism although conceeded that the Church offered little in that regard.

The pope's declaration added to a growing list of prohibited catholic activities. These now include, but are certainly not limited to: marxism, capitalism, socialism, drugs, sex, rock and roll, popsicles, the television show 24, reruns of Friends, Law and Order, and PeeWee's Playhouse, and anything to do with Nascar, the National Hockey League, and Dancing with the Stars.

Pope Benedict suggested that those who disagreed with the edict should kiss his ring. His army of Cardinals were quick to oblige.

time to give it up

In a startling twist at his anti-doping trial, Floyd Landis, the reigning, embattled, and increasingly embittered Tour de France Champion, was asked by race officials to submit one of his testicles for additional analysis. The testy, testosterone-addled Landis who last year mounted one of the most impressive recoveries in Tour history while suffering from the lingering effects of dehydration and a first-class hangover, purportedly did the deed himself and without anesthesia, opting instead for a shot of Jack to deaden his scrotum. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get back in the saddle and defend my jersey" said Landis who later tied a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree.

"Lance won 7 Tours and the heart of Sheryl Crow with only one ball so I think you'll do fine", said the the presiding judge, a Mr. Mephistopheles. "Don't worry about false positives," said the judge, "if this one's hot, we can always take the B sample."

Moi research uncovered this startling photo whereby the Maillot Jaune listens to directions on how to avoid doping detection while a teammate preps his veins for a double dose of Jack.

m.o.i.: give it up
elsewhere:
m.o.i.: white hat, black hat, yellow jersey
m.o.i.: maillot jaune
m.o.i.: corporate money
m.o.i.: the 2-mile high club
m.o.i.: flance to wear zero for prologue
m.o.i.: you've lost that lovin' feeling

levee failure

Here's how a levee failure is expressed in terms river stage. The first levee fails just before midnight on the 8th and the river stage drops approximately 2 feet over the next several hours as the flood waters go out onto the floodplain where they are ''stored'' to be released slowly into the underlying aquifer and eventually back into the river. This storage can be a significant amount of water. There is a second, smaller failure about 1800 hours on the 9th. What appears to be failures on the 11th and 13th have not been confirmed from ground observations, there may be other explanations for the declines, it's a little hard to say just from the graph. The net effect of these failures are lower downstream river levels, i.e. at Jefferson City and St. Louis, which is one reason why the flood crest is going to be less than originally predicted and why this flood isn't going to be as bad as feared.

The orginal predictions posted by the National Weather Service did not account for levee failures and rapidly changing conditions (more rain, levee breaks) indicates the need to be continously monitoring river levels during extreme events. You wouldn't really want to have to evacuate a large metropolitan area unless completely necessary, and if you're a Republican, then you might never see the need. I think the Republican motto is don't send in the National Guard until you see the white shirts on the rooftops.

suck on a willow root

The beavers were out today, looking for freshly flood scoured succulent black willow roots on which to snack. Water levels on the Kaw (Kansas) River have dropped precipitously although they are just now peaking on the lower Missouri River below Booneville. The Mo River will remain above flood stage for at least a week to ten days barring no more rain. More precipitation, especially anything nearing a repeat of the rains from last weekend would spell major disaster from Kansas City to St. Louis.

Here's a high water mark in a tree upstream approximately 2 miles from Eudora Kansas. That's a 230 cm paddle for scale and it's resting approximately 75 cm off the ground. Although difficult to see, debris was lodged approximately another blade length (~75 cm) higher in the tree. However, given the size of this tree it was likely bent over some during the flood so the actual flood elevation was likely about the end of the paddle or about 400 cm above the current water surface. 400 cm = 13.1 ft for les Americains. Access to the Kaw River at Eudora is via a 1 mile stretch of the Wakarusa River. If all streams had a riparian corridor that looks like the lower Wakarusa River the world would be a very different and better place. Fifty to 70 percent tree canopy along there. Very nice.

celebrity chefs to square off in FeO2 Chef

Worldwide Anthill Headquarters exclusive - you heard it here first! Next season on IronOxide Chef, the old Cafe Brenda will take on the new Cafe Brenda in a special All Vegetable Series. Rumor has it that the first basket is likely to include among other things amarath, chayote, yams, fava beans, haricot verts, horseradish, shallots, and tomatillo. And the secret ingredient? Salsify. How about potatoes filled with creamed salsify on a checkerboard of eggplant and tomatoes?

limited access to attorneys

This is my pal Chappe the Chaplain. He was interred for 18 months in Guantanomo Bay where he was forced to work as a carpenter and wear $50 hats (which moi had to buy) Chappe being peniless at the time. Currently he's on a work-release program with Habitat for Humanity and will soon open a new Restore in the 'Dot part of Kansas City. More on that to follow in the coming weeks.

red bird update

Yesterday on my lunchtime walk moi saw America's only truly red bird, the Summer Tanager along with a Baltimore, or Eastern Oriole, a tufted titmouse, and a bard owl. Also observed were a leopard frog, a menage a trois of northern ring-necked snakes, and a very stubborn snapping turtle who was not in the least intimated by colleague, Mr. H., nor should he be. Who knows what we didn't see, but it was a fine walk to see everyone out and about on a robust spring day.

wall to wall

Here are some great false color satellite images of the confluence of the Grand River and the Missouri Rivers. These photos were taken in 1992 (lower image) and then during the historic 1993 flood (upper image). The Grand River is coming in from the northwest (upper right) on these images and then flood waters are filling the entire valley - valley wall to valley wall. The curent flood levels on the Grand and Missouri Rivers at this location are less than in 1993, but appear to be within the top 10 percent of floods since 1900 at this location.

River Refuge @ Alligator Cove (see previous post) is approximately 90 river miles upstream of this location.

Landsat Thematic image. Bands 5, 4, and 2 mapped to red, green, and blue respectively. Images from Goddard Space Flight Center.

refuge

This is Capt. Breyfogle's place, http://www.riverrefuge.com/, about 25 miles east of Kansas City, just east of a little town called Missouri City. I've never understood the Alligator Cove name, but suspect there's a tall tale involved. The small building is a cabin that was elevated on blocks before being floated over on it's side.

Photos. Vicki Richmond. Missouri River Relief.